After a nice conversation with Alex about a nice long conversation with others, I was prompted to make this. Why shouldn't I? I'm constantly pestered with anxiety and always need someone to talk to or to work out my feelings (in which I am never successful).
Today has been not so great. I felt weak and my eyes have been burning all day. I talked to Den. for a long time. Dear God i haaaaate the situation I'm in. Alex helped. That was nice. I really don't want to talk about it anymore today. All I think that's left to say is bitch is gonna die . In my experience, people who say they hate being vulnerable are fakes because by making this statement you are offering yourself up for judgment and putting yourself in a very vulnerable position, and obviously looking for attention. However, I definitely feel that I am least comfortable when I feel like I look weak. I don't mind opening up to people and I often let my guard down. But today left me uneasy with myself, and feeling as if I can't even depend on myself. I do feel weak and I hate it.
I explored a few philosophical approaches to death tonight/this morning. It was terribly unpleasant and I have no bigger fear, besides credit cards. To make short of what was said, I cn't imagine an eternal nothing or giving up my very being. I am that villain in all the children's movies who wants to live forever and the idealistic notion of some higher power is just as frightening, for so far I have been living all my years in doubt. A doubt that has poisoned my brain and so far does not allow me to put faith in anything.
Today was confusing and I don't know how I'll find peace enough to sleep.
